The many ‘C’s of an Indian marriage

Just like there are 4 Cs to choosing a diamond — Clarity, Color, Cut and Carat. Indian marriages are usually “arranged” on the basis of five Cs. But what really makes for a “Good Marriage”?

Photo by Sourabh Virdi on Unsplash

Parents are usually trying to match five Cs? Community, Caste, Cuisine, Class, and Color.

1. Community: Communal affiliations come in many shapes and sizes. What religion do you follow? Which sub-sect within the religion? Which State are you from? What language do you speak?
2. Caste: The 4 Castes were developed under the Hindu traditions, dividing people in society based on concepts of ‘purity’ and ‘social status’. It is entirely banned to discriminate against people based on Caste in India, it never comes up in day-to-day life but when it comes to college admission reservations and the topic of arranging your kid’s wedding, “what’s their caste?” comes up often, and any young adult considering marrying someone from a different caste is asked funny questions.
3. Cuisine: Community and Caste are often indicators of what a person does on a day-to-day basis. But Indians live to eat and different regions in the country prefer very different flavors. However, if a vegetarian boy is trying to marry a girl who eats meat — a non-vegetarian. Both families get extremely upset and worried. Each trying to make the other switch to their personal dietary preference.
4. Class: Traditional Indians don’t throw parties other than when they celebrate religious festivals. The biggest party that a man will generally throw in his life, will be his child’s wedding party. A wedding is the one time it is considered societally acceptable to show off one's lifetime savings (and mad dancing skills), in one big ostentatious celebration. A lot of arranged weddings hinge on the ability of both families to contribute meaningfully to the wedding budget, so class suddenly becomes important.
5. Color: People of fairer skin get the benefit of this bias, which leads to an even bigger boom in the “fairness cream” or “lightening cream ”industry. In terms of beauty products, I can’t think of a bigger scam than products that propagate this “fair skin” bias.

India is one of the most diverse places on Earth with people speaking hundreds of languages, cooking food in fascinating ways, and finding creative entrepreneurial pursuits to make money. But when it comes to marriage, focusing on these 5 C’s have made our society very protective, defensive against the idea of diversifying the people in our family. Indians are very proud when their friends come from abroad or join unique professions like Sports and Acting.

However, People marry into families that closely resemble how they were brought up. Eating similar foods, speaking the same language, watching similar shows, socializing at similar religious gatherings, and generally propagating the same values that our parents raise us with. Sometimes, when education or work takes a child abroad then parents have to deal with cultural diversity outside our communities and it shocks them that their life has become like a Bollywood movie.

We have discussed how marriages are set up by the family. However, whenever a marriage gets into trouble. People reach out to their elders for help. They usually get a standard piece of advice. The sixth C.

6. Children: “You two are struggling? Go have a baby, everything will be fine.” But I think the sixth C, having Children, isn’t a cure for relationships in trouble but the products of a happy partnership.

My family tried to set me up for a grand Indian wedding. They got very upset when I requested to marry someone of my choice. Someone who doesn’t share the labels of my community, caste, or cuisine.

But I’m in love. I’m marrying the person I love. Marriage should be about Love. And I wish my family would see things in a different light. I wish they’d focus on some completely different Cs. I wish they’d ask some different questions about my partner.

Character, Complementariness, Camaraderie, and Companionship.

7. Character: Does she treat you with respect? Is she fun to talk to? Would we want to have them as part of our loving family? Will she fit in with us?

8. Complementariness: Everyone has skills. I’m good with numbers and she’s good with people. I handle the accounts, she plans the parties.

9. Camaraderie: If I’m planning to spend 70 years with a person, at least let me marry my best friend.

The craziest arrange marriage story I know is my cousin’s. My cousin said yes to marrying her now-husband after knowing him for just 10 hours. Her partner and she are completely different people but they got engaged that same day, married that year, and now have a child that they adore. They’re navigating life with the joy and energy that comes from the momentum of their marriage. It was the “success story” posted by every aunt and uncle advocating for my “arranged marriage”. I asked her what made her say yes and she said — “you know, I realized very quickly that this boy is very different from me. But what we share is this idea that life is an adventure. I realized that we are both headed towards the same place. And that we could share this journey.” That stuck with me. I’ve realized that life is a journey, and what I’m seeking in a partner is the biggest most important C of all. The 10th C.

10. Companionship: A partnership that lasts through the journey of life.

These are the C’s of an Indian marriage, there are ten in all, but some are more important for a “Good Marriage” than the others. The five that most Indian families focus on have now put my family and my wedding on opposite sides of the fence.

I have a simple desire. I just want to spend the next 70 years of my life with the companion I’ve chosen. Bring her family into the loving family that raised me and whom I’ve loved deeply for 28 years. We aren’t doing a grand wedding, but a small one. We aren’t choosing between her community’s traditions or mine, but honoring both with two ceremonies. Most importantly, we’re not trying to tear our families. We’re trying to build a new family. Together.

If you’re in the same boat tell us your story in the comments below. If you found this interesting, please ❤ this piece so more people read it.